:: Mindrella's Life ::

:: Tuesday, September 21, 2004 ::

Me, Doug and Woody (w/Matthew) at Sea World, Summer 2001

Is That Really Me?

While going through some pictures, Grandma Nan came across this one. Yep. That's me on the left. All 271 lbs of me. Not pretty is it?

I had decided to post this picture for a couple of reasons. First, there are some out there that know I've lost a good deal of weight but can't (or won't) believe that I was ever that heavy and can't even fathom me being that large. Second, I've been really lax lately with my workout routine and especially my eating. This has caused me to regain about 20 lbs of the +100 lbs that I originally lost. In turn, this weight gain has really sent me into a tailspin that I'm slowly trying to force my way out of. I have my good days and my bad days but lately the bad days have overshadowed the good ones and I've been hyperventilating about the 20 lb regain.

Now I know it the grand scheme of things, regaining 20 lbs (as compared to what I actually lost) is nothing major. And you're right. It isn't. And I know that I've never really talked about my weightloss with anyone before. At least not the emotional side of it. Because, I don't care what anyone says, weightloss and gain is very emotional. Yes, I lost a lot of weight. No I didn't have surgery, I did it the "old fashion" way of watching what I eat and pretty much living at the gym. All the time. No really. I lived at the gym. I would get up at 4 a.m. and work out for 2 hours, go home, get ready for work, walk and/or run at lunch, walk, run or take a class after work. For 5 days a week I would do this. My workouts on weekends were twice a day, morning and evening. Lately I'm lucky if I can get my butt out of bed in time to make it to work. I don't like how I'm feeling and I don't like how lazy I've become. And yes, some of the rumours about weightloss are true. Specifically, when I look into a mirror I still see a 271 lb woman staring back at me. "That's ridiculous Mel" I hear you saying to yourself - "you look great!" And I'm sure I do but I'm having a hard time seeing it. When I look at old pictures of myself, then yes, I can see the difference but it's hard. Really hard. Unbelievably hard.

Also, as silly as it sounds, I am paranoid that I'll become that 271 lb woman again. I actually have nightmares. Which is one of the reasons why I'm hyperventilating over the 20 lbs. Now I know that size should never be an issue. I remember thinking to myself "hey I'm the same person whether or not I'm heavy or thin" and for a while I really believed that. But I was wrong. At least for me. I was miserable. If anyone had known me back then I can guarantee you no one would've liked me. Hell, Doug and Woody barely tolerated me and they're my best friends. And I certainly wouldn't have had the cajones to bid on that auction. It would've been a cold day in hell before that would've happened. And skating? Please. It would've never have happened. To tell you the truth, my friends, knowing the "old" me, gave me six months - tops - when I announced that I was driving to LA every weekend to skate. It's been a year and a half now and I'm still going. Needless to say they're all amazed.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this now. Maybe because looking at me in that picture sent an emotional shockwave through my system. I literally got teary-eyed and had to really fight to keep control of my emotions. Maybe it's because this friend started reflecting on her site and it caused a chain reaction. I don't know. If someone had told me 2 years ago that I would be as involved with skating as I am now, that I would have even half the friends I now have, create and run a website, and be so completely immersed in this community I would've laughed in their face and told them to have another cocktail, they had too much blood in their alcohol-stream. I now sit back and look at all that I've accomplished and I'm just amazed at myself. Yes, I've lost a couple of friends who couldn't or wouldn't understand this part of my life. They're gone. I don't need them or their negative attitude. The ones I have now, if they don't understand (and trust me, none of my non-skating world friends do) they don't care. I'm happy so they're happy. That's all that's important to them and they never pressure me or try to make me feel guilty because I don't see them that often, or that I hardly ever go out on a Saturday night because I'm either working or skating or to brunch on Sunday for the same reason. If any of my non-skating world friends are out there reading this - know that it's been duly noted and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Whew! I guess I've been holding a lot back. Now I know this is my blog and I can say whatever I want - but thanks for listening.

:: Melinda 5:47 PM [+]